Disclaimer: This is an advice column, not an instruction to life, not direct orders. There is probably going to be offensive material presented. I'm not sorry, I support freedom of speech. This may not even be real...
Dead Abby,
I want to propose to my significant other for the holidays, but am really nervous and don't know how to go about it. How do I go about this?
Scared and Wanting Forever Vagina
Dear Scared and Wanting Forever Vagina,
You're either going to do it or not. There should be indications as to whether or not she's going to say 'yes'. Of course, it's going to be nerve wracking, of course there's a risk. Make a big public spectacle out of it and it will be much harder for her to say 'no'. Be really, really drunk and it will also, more than likely, sway her in the 'yes' direction. One of the most romantic proposals I've ever heard is when one of my friends proposed to his lady by demanding a blow job. He was very, very persistent and when she finally gave in and took his dick out, he had an engagement ring tied to it. Of course, if you're going to choose this method, you may want to do it in private...bar bathrooms and truck stops are nice. Depending on how badly you want to marry this girl, and how doubtful you are that she's going to say yes, you could also try the 'Otis' method. Keep her captive, set up a nice room with some nice wardrobe options, feed her a few times a day. Eventually, she will be yours. Some people are traditionalists and want the approval of family, if you're going to ask, you probably already know what's appropriate and what's not for your situation. Engagements are beautiful...make it magical. Splurge, buy the expensive whiskey!
Dead Abby,
I am lonely. Really, really lonely during the holidays and really, really need to get laid. Help!
Horny for the Holidays
Dear Horny for the Holidays,
There's a place lonely people go during the holidays, it's called the bar. I've spent many, many a Christmas/holiday in a bar. People are drunk and vulnerable. It's the perfect place to pick up some stray. Maybe offer to make a nice Banquet meal as means to lure said prospective piece of ass to your place. Definitely start out by buying some drinks. One crucial part of going out and getting lucky during the holidays is to have plenty of cash and condoms. Also, make sure you're equipped with drinking legs. No girl is going to want to go home with a sloppy drunk, drooling and pissing all over himself. People get much more generous during the holidays...buy a round for the bar, that gets notice and opens doors. Buy your prospective a drink or two...challenge them to a randy round of arm wrestling. Act extra sweet, chances are if they're at the bar on Christmas night, alone, they're lonely too. I would give caution to girls traveling in groups. Girlfriends are a lot less likely to let one of theirs go off with a stranger. Of course, this is assuming that you're not some psycho serial killer. If you are, go to the police station and offer one of the friendly, 'lonely' officers a drinky...they'll make sure to put you up in a nice, warm place with plenty of friends. Another cheerful place you could try are your local porn stores or strip clubs. You're guaranteed to as least view some genitalia. You may not get to touch it, but...If you're going to try the porn store route, make sure you have plenty of time. Women don't frequent them as much as men and you may need to stake it out for awhile before anything promising comes around. Leave the clerk alone, they get it enough.
Dead Abby,
What is the origin of the Christmas tree?
Festive!
Dear Festive!,
The first documented uses of a Christmas tree in Estonia, in 1441 with the Brotherhood of the Blackheads. It was used for ceremonial purposes. In the German Middle Ages, plays at Christmas time within churches often featured an evergreen "Paradise tree" from which an apple was plucked. The first evidence of Christmas trees outside of a church is of the 16th century, with trees in guild halls decorated with sweets to be enjoyed by the apprentices and children. Now, these are documented historical 'facts'...but, I wasn't there. I'm sure you weren't there...history can be quite uncertain. I have my own theories...
I think the tree is a phallic holiday symbol. Think about it, there's an erect tree with a star on the end...compare it to sex; an erect penis with a glorious star, the g-spot, at the end of it...hopefully...with a starry, starry orgasm. I think in times of sexual repression, people used the tree as an open door to sex. It wasn't socially acceptable to speak of sex, especially in front of family, and family quarters were traditionally very close. My belief is the tree was erected...which began foreplay. The wife would then decorate the tree and top it with a star when the sexual advance was to be accepted. As if to say ''Here...I offer you my star...stab it and make it explode.'' They would, then, creep off into an alley and get in on Christmas style.
Another theory is that the tree is a symbol of fertility. The tree would go in place of something, like, say...a bed pan. The tree would be erected and this would be an indication that the woman was ready to breed. This differs from my first theory, as that was one of sexual escapades and this is one for breeding purposes. The woman would send neighborhood children out to gather a tree when her husband was away at work, have it ready, along with dinner when her husband arrives home from work, disrobes upon his arrival and they proceed on to making babies. Or, at the very least, perfecting the skill of doing so. I don't believe that this theory directly corresponds with Christmas, as breeding could happen at any time of the year. With poor heating in homes though, sex would be a very practical way of warming things up. It would also add to pleasant smells as hygiene was not always desirable.
A third theory is that, in the tradition of St. Nick, the tree was an indication of a swinger friendly household. In the theory of Christmas, a grown man sneaks into the house leaving 'goodies'. It was always thought that this was a tradition for children, when in fact, it's actually a pretty perverted holiday. The tree would be set up in a window, doors left unlocked, the couple would be sparingly clothed as they slept. This would invite random, wandering and sexually aroused strangers. Holiday is generally a time of giving and some couples find moments of stale sex in their marriages. Instead of creating new passions between them, they leave the door open to strange.
Now, I can only assume, based of facts I've gathered, stories I've heard that these theories have contributed to the tradition of the Christmas tree. Perversions have been allowed to flourish in modern culture and have probably gone far beyond what I have concocted here. Christmas trees probably mean many awful things that my perverse mind can't even conceive of.
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