Dead Abby, 11/17/2011

Disclaimer: This is an advice column, not an instruction to life, not direct orders. There is probably going to be offensive material presented. I'm not sorry, I support freedom of speech. This may not even be real...


 Dead Abby,
My bitch sister won't let me freely express myself. I really enjoy interpretive dance as a way of communication, and I feel that it is so very important in our day and age.What should i do about this emotionally constipated jerk that I'm related to?
-Dancing Queen

Dear Dancing Queen,
I want to start by relating a memory I have of this very issue.  I once had a sister.  Unfortunately, she passed away from a multitude of sexually transmitted diseases.  She danced.  She danced at work, she danced at the bar, she danced at shows, she danced in the grocery store. One day, a day care had an outing at a pumpkin patch that we happened to stop into.  She couldn't find a pumpkin that pleased her.  She expressed this distaste in interpretive dance.  Her pelvis swayed from one row to the next, leading her. Like some kind of breakage in the human form, her pelvis was in control.  Unfortunately, her pelvis knocked over a few children and to make a long story short, she had to go door to door, notifying her neighborhood of her innocent perversion.  She also never got her pumpkin.
I think you really have a slew of options here.  1)  Have you thought about suicide?  Since you're so repressed emotionally from the inability to stand up for yourself and dance like the obscene butterfly that I'm sure you are, you may want to look into that.  There are ways that are fairly painless for a pussy such as yourself.   2)  Have you thought about bludgeoning your sister in the head?  Easiest way to remove yourself from a negative situation is to remove the situation.  3)  Have you danced in a mirror lately?  Perhaps your version of 'interpretive dance' is offensive to all others senses.  Perhaps those around you would rather use rusty wire to amputate fingers and toes and commit a slow suicide by consuming ONLY Nikolai Vodka?  Really assess your dancing skills here.  They might really be hurting those around you.  4)  Ask the emotionally constipated jerk to seek some counseling with you.  Perhaps there's some sexual tension that needs to be worked out, hence they're getting mad at your gyrations.  Or, perhaps you're just making a big ass of yourself and should stop.  I'm also curious as to why you feel interpretive dance is so important these days...I'd really like a response to that. In my opinion, although it can be entertaining, interpretive dance is much like spandex, few should do it.


Dead Abby,
I hate my job. My boss is horrible. She belittles me and is trying to fire me with unattainable tasks that I have to have done in two weeks. I am a good employee and it is a great corporate company. I can't lose this job.

Signed,
Citifiedpink Turned Beet Red

Dear Citifiedpink Turned Beet Red,
Quit.  You can either quit or they're going to fire you.  You can also use the option of accusing your boss of sexual or physical assault.  See examples below:




We all know there are different types of employees.  Some are hard workers, some are lazy piles of dung.  Generally, we see the hard workers carrying the weight...and the brunt.  That's just the way the corporate cookie crumbles in our undergarments.  Your best bet to surviving in corporate America is to go out and buy a huge butt plug.  Insert this butt plug in the sitting position.  Don't whine.  Don't even think you're going to be able to shit.  Stay there....stay still.  This will be sufficient training.  There are plenty of people who do survive this world.  I think most of them are lucky. Seriously.  Quit your job...The market is shit, but your sanity is worth the world. Really, think about it.  When you're miserable at your job, it leaks into all other parts of your life.  I bet your sex life has diminished.  I bet you're starting to separate yourself from the people you love.  I bet you're spending a lot of time in the garage hiding bottles and brillo pads.  I bet you're lashing out at people that are close to you.  I know working a shitty job is not an addiction, but the actions of people in either position are similar.  You can stay, but you'll be better off being tortured and murdered.


Dead Abby,
Is there a way to sweeten up fact that I used to be a prostitute on my resume?
-I'm A Giver

Dear I'm A Giver,
Prostitution is the oldest profession.  It's been glamorized, made fun of, had movies and books surrounding its mystique.  Women have scoffed at it, men have utilized it and governments have profited off of it.  Be proud of what you've done.  Break it all down.  Just like any other job, think about what all goes into prostitution; marketing, cleaning, accounting, care giving, therapy, discipline, scheduling, performing arts, etc.  Bottom line, there's a lot that this job entails.  As with any job, there are so many ways to name a job.  Think of all the fancy job titles one can create for a Customer Service Representative...If you thought about it, you can surely come up with at least a few job titles that aren't quite as offensive as 'prostitute'.  I think you're in a similar situation as many stay at home mom's who are now looking for 'honest' employment.  Many employers will look on either of your professions as...not so professional.  Anyone who knows anything knows that this is false. The world of a prostitute or a single mother is a thankless one.  You give and give and give and wait for that one special moment to make it all worth while...maybe it's your child making you card, maybe it's the man who likes to dress up as a baby decides NOT to shit himself...either way, it's that moment that makes your job worth while.
I could elaborate on this subject for days, but I'm going to stop there.
Pick up a Thesaurus and sell yourself!!! You're good at that!


To submit questions to Dead Abby, please direct questions to:  thebackstagebettypages@gmail.com

My first interview in front of the camera...and glam

Sooooo.....Greg called me one day and said we were doing an interview with Blood on the Dance Floor.  He also informs me that I'm doing the interview.  I'm thinking to myself...what the fuck?!?!  I don't know anything about this band and from what I know, they are from a genre I know nothing about and can't relate to in the slightest.  See, this is the problem with musical segregation.  Obviously, everyone has their own taste, but never discredit a book based on it's cover.  I'll be the first to admit, I'm very judgmental when it comes to music.
We walked up to the venue from separate directions, and although we were coming from separate directions, we shared the same focal point.  Lined up at the door of the venue were a large group of adolescent kids decked out in every color of neon you could imagine.  There were striped socks, jelly bracelets, corsets, panda bear hats and so many more items that overloaded my visual sense. They were jumping up and down, shrieking, squealing, singing...they were happy!
Next up, Greg and I meet up with 'Chops', BOTDF's tour manager , he informs us that they are readying themselves for the interview.  If you've ever seen pictures of this group, they're pretty damn glamorous.  Instead of waiting for the duo, we decided to head inside where it was warm and vacant.  The neon was beginning to damage my vision.  It was comfortable and warm and dark in the bar and we caught the sound check for the first band, New Year's Day.  They had an adorable front woman with an adorable voice to match her adorable poppy vibe.  Greg bought two of their CD's...I was still skeptical, although I was warming...and not just because we were in a comfortable and warm and dark bar.  We had chatted with their guitar player outside briefly.  His name was Jake, he was 17 and he was from LA.  He, too, was adorable. 

Chops let us know that Jayy was ready to be interviewed, Dahvie was not.  He was still beautifying himself.  Greg and I took stage outside and set up.  As I was mentally preparing myself for some kind of onslaught, I saw a tall, slender, beautiful image exit the band trailer and walk, gracefully, towards us.  He introduced himself with confidence and took his seat.  As Greg readied the equipment, Jayy and I chatted casually.  He was really sweet and carried himself incredibly well, as one would expect of a person in his position in life.  He was well versed and as we spoke, I definitely had a rising level of respect for him.  Not that I lacked respect for him in the beginning, but we all go into situations with expectations and having viewed some of the interviews before, they came across as incredibly flamboyant and hard to control.  He is substantially younger than me, so that always comes into affect for me as well.  I have old balls and I'm getting set in my ways.
The interview went incredibly well.  It was comfortable and I learned a lot about him, pleasantly! I found it endearing as he spoke about how he 'used to have sex with everything when he was young'.  I also remember being his age and how I felt so much older than I was the year before....now years run together.  That is neither here nor there though.
The interview finished and we parted ways.  Greg and I went inside to catch the direct support band,  Angelspit, hailing from Australia was taking the stage.  They had two fabulous looking girls, one playing bass, one owning the vocals.  There was also a tall man with a leather-type mo-hawk running a computer, I believe the projector as well as vocals.  They were a pretty impressive band.  I was standing at the back of the crowd, observing.  Same excited kids, but the crowd had grown.  There were adult folk who had joined...some completely glammed out in platform boots, more corsets and an array of colors and patterns.  There were also several tails that had joined us.  Greg enjoyed dragging me directly behind these ghoulish beasts as I have a serious distaste, bordering on fear, of people who wear tails.

They finished their set and were accosted my rabid young teens, hungry for their attention.  Next up, Blood on the Dance Floor.  I had my preconceived notions about this show, like I said before, but these guys impressed.  Is it my new cup of tea?  Probably not, but their stage show and energy were more than impressive.  They put their all into it and you could feel it.  Their audience was fully engaged...bouncing neon tutu's and bunny hats were in abundance...even tail girl was shakin' her ass...horrifically.  To each their own.

I left this show with a completely positive experience.  Jayy was great to work with and easy on the eyes.  He was an incredibly sweet and intelligent young man and their show impressed the hell out of me.  He made a comment about being a misfit.  I think everyone can relate to being in that situation at one point in their life.  We all have experience with bullying and being judged or judging. He spoke with a passion about this issue and this made me respect him even more.  Some people do and some people watch, I get the impression that Jayy 'does'.  I saw a huge group of kids at this show that had not a fear of being judged, maybe just in that moment, maybe in general, but it was an impressive thing.  Not that it makes an inkling of difference, but they gained my respect.  Jayy's goal of breaking down barriers is impressive and I think having a goal so lofty at his age is respectable in itself.  I am definitely a fan of this gentleman.

I highly recommend their show.  If they come back, I will be attending.  Even if it's not your preferred style of music, this group (as well as New Years Day and Angelspit) were a mind riot and an assault on the senses...and I mean this in a positive way.

Watch the magic here:

Lou Reed & Metallica "Lulu"

When it was first announced that Metallica would be cutting an album with former Velvet Underground frontman and general all around weirdo Lou Reed a lot of people scratched their heads. Personally I didn't know what to think. Despite returning somewhat to their roots on Death Magnetic, I just haven't been a Metallica fan since the "And Justice for All days". And Lou Reed hasn't put out a listenable record in at least twenty years, though you gotta give him credit for trying new things, even if they don't seem to work out so well in the end. So with that in mind, I think most people had already made up their minds about "Lulu" before the album ever saw the light of day. A quick google search of "Lulu" album reviews reveals some of the most scathing criticism of any album since Neil Young went electronic on "Trans" or Garth Brooks started calling himself Chris Gaines. I was strained to even find a halfway positive review of "Lulu" anywhere on the internet. I think Rolling Stone gave it the best review I could find with 3 stars. Though to be fair, Rolling Stone gives everything 3 stars. Site after site just trashed it with no mercy. Every site I went to either gave it an F or 1 or 2 out of 10. Is it possible? Could this album really be that bad? The answer to that question is a resounding no. While I wouldn't give "Lulu" a 10 out of 10 by any means, it's not a terrible record. It's just hard to wrap your head around. A 90 minute concept album based on an a pair of obscure German plays written at the turn of the 19th century about a woman who ultimately falls victim to Jack the Ripper sounds like some heady material and can easily alienate casual listeners and die hard fans alike. But a closer listen reveals a pretty solid album. "Master of Puppets" or "White Light/White Heat" this is not. But I respect these two powerhouses for trying something different. In an age when most artists (Clapton, Springsteen, I'm thinking of you especially) are happy to maintain the status quo, it's refreshing for an artist to put it all on the line, throw caution to the wind, and indulge their inner desires. Sure, Metallica could have put out "Death Magnetic II", but they didn't. They did something entirely un-Metallica. Something they've never done before. An art piece. And they did it with Lou Reed, the original weirdo rocker. I'm gonna call bullshit on all those rock critics and fans out there in internet land. "Lulu" is not as bad as they would have you believe. They either came into it with a preconceived notion of what they wanted to hear or they had already made their minds up that it was gonna suck. Whatever the case they're all full of shit. It's not the album of the year, but it's not as bad as they would have you believe. But hey, everybody's a critic right?

6.5 out of 10
Better than average but not great.

-Grant